Becoming an “Enlightened Asshole”

I'm An Asshole

(photo: Cait Opperman)

Total Time of Reading: 8 and 1/2 minutes. – (Bold Script Only: 2 minutes)

Becoming an “Enlightened Asshole”

“Just be confident.” How many times have you heard that one? That saying use to make me feel so aggravated. Fu** your, “be confident”. I feel it’d be the same as asking Babe Ruth how to hit home runs. With his likely response being “I don’t know, just swing…” In the beginning, it doesn’t feel that simple.

Many of us have tried “just swinging” and have tried just being confident. Yet when you don’t have confidence, and you don’t hit home runs with women, “just” is such an understatement when put in front of the words: “be confident”. For many of us, it takes more understanding.

What about this one… “Just be a jerk, women like jerks.”  Whether you’re a woman or man reading this, we’ve all been guilty of saying this at some point: “The bitches/assholes always get the guys/girls.” Though many gurus avoid this subject, there is a lot of truth behind that statement. Yet some of the qualities that make jerks, or bitches successful with the opposite sex may surprise you. In this post I’m going to break down one of the key things that brings jerks and bitches success in attraction. And you can harness it without having to be a prick or crazed drama chick. Consider this post your training wheels to more confidence in a way that makes sense. And in a way that avoids you becoming a complete ass.

Many men that I’ve coached asked how I got my confidence. Most seem to think confidence comes as you gain praise and success in seducing attractive people. Let’s not bullshit… That works wonders. Confidence does develop as you hear the same compliments from a lot of attractive women. Yet that isn’t where I gathered most of mine.

Many of you know I didn’t start off successful. Hell, the second time I had vagina in front of me, I beat around the bush so much (pun definitely intended) that by the time the girl was nude and in front of me, I passed out on her crotch. Though waking up with pussy in my face was a literal dream come true. It’s not great when it’s accompanied with a female’s voice saying, “uhhhhh are you okay??? You’re tired you should go to bed…” Ander Adams, the man that used to head butt vaginas from sleep deprivation and cowardliness. WINNING!!!

Like many other people, I didn’t start out successful with women and I got most of my confidence from another place. Most of my confidence came from a bucket list I created. This list had 300+ feats, adventures and goals that helped me gain pride and character.  Yet some of the most profound experiences on that list were found in meeting hero’s of mine. I made a list of guru’s, authors and mentors that I wanted to meet. And still to this day I work on renewing and accomplishing that list.

An interesting thing happened as I started meeting my heroes. They all had what I perceived as slightly asshole characteristics. Even many gurus in spirituality, authenticity, or meditation seemed to carry asshole tendencies. They seemed to care more about themselves than most anybody else. Yet the more I stepped into my authentic confidence, the more it revealed truth behind what I was labeling as “asshole”. What I was really seeing was Non-Reactiveness. A trait most successful people carry as well as many jerks and bitches. Non-reactiveness is an enlightened state of valuing your own views, actions and overall way of life more than you value someone’s judgments of your opinions.

To help break down non-reactiveness, start off by thinking about the author’s and gurus you look up to. The road they take to get to success forces them to develop resolution in what they believe. The average person panics when asked to fully express their passions to a small group of 2. Imagine striving to develop, publish and coach your passions to thousands. Not just speaking to two strangers in a bar, but putting your beliefs out for anyone to see. All while being compared and watched by those you admire. In fact, some of the people that you learned so much from may have turned into your competition. Imagine the sense of resolution you would have to develop around your passion to become successful. In the end, you would develop a sense of non-reactiveness to people’s praise or criticism.

You’d value your own opinion of yourself and your passions more than you’d value a stranger’s opinion. Stanger’s opinions around things you’ve contemplated and worked on for years wouldn’t cause you to emotionally shudder. Even praise and criticism from most of your friends wouldn’t make or break your opinions. Your own opinion would genuinely matter more than most other people’s opinions. You’d be less reactive, or non-reactive to most people’s opinions because they aren’t the ones who define or validate them. You would have so much self-assurance in your own beliefs that a common persons opinions couldn’t make you quiet the strength behind your passions.

You wouldn’t be non-reactive in all areas of course. You and I wouldn’t act to know everything about becoming The World Hotdog Eating Champion. We’ll leave that to Takeru Kobayashi. Yet in areas where you’ve had more experience and contemplation than the average person, your opinion should be more important. There’s no need for us to become Mr. or Mrs. know it all, but you can reach a point of knowing enough to value your own opinion. “Mr. Know It All” = bad ~ “Mr. Know Enough” to value your own word = good. Your desire to enjoy sex because it’s beautiful shouldn’t falter because a clueless prude says you have filthy thoughts. Unless your sexual desire involves forcing Ms. Prude into the nearby alleyway against her will. Then you’re a true ass wipe, and you suck. Slam your face into the computer screen with extreme force.

Non-reactiveness is about valuing your own views, actions and overall way of life more than you value someone’s judgments of your opinions. As you begin to acquire more praise and validation, other people’s opinions become less vital to you. After you’ve achieved something that others have said you couldn’t, you no longer flinch over someone saying, “you can’t do that”. After bedding dozens of women, you no longer emotionally flinch when one calls you unattractive. After you’ve positively impacted hundreds of people’s lives you no longer have your day made by someone declaring you good at something. Yet more importantly, after you become resolute in valuing your own opinion, your life begins to thrive. You even stop caring about whether people like what you like. It’s fine if people disagree. You start becoming less reactive to others’ opinions and more caring of your own opinion, values and beliefs in the subjects you’re familiar in…

What you’re passionate about should be valued most by you. Little sense exists in belittling the passion in your opinions simply because someone else doesn’t agree. Hell, this is your life. It’s not your parent’s life; it’s not the beautiful woman’s at the coffee shop or the hottie in the club. It’s fine to not agree with them on everything.

Look around at the people you are letting credit or discredit your life. How many of them are going to be in your life in a year, a month, a day or even an hour? How about that club girl that doesn’t know you and won’t see you ever again? What about the barista that watch’s you approach the person you desire? Are they going to be around? Even if they will, is it smart of you to value their opinion of you more than you should? Look around at the people in your life and decide who will have more say than you in certain subjects. Who will you decide to look up to in areas of love, seduction, motivation, spirituality, compassion, business, finance, fitness, fashion, etc.? Select a small group of people that you believe have a better understanding of things than you do. Make sure that their opinions benefit and empower you. People that aren’t put on a pedestal for valid reasons should have little effect on your emotional state when praising or criticizing you. There is value in believing that in some areas of life, you are the shit. And greatness in believing it to the point that you have no need to prove or justify it. You purely desire to give life to your passions and beliefs unpretentiously. It’s simply, your self-resolution.

See that there’s a difference between a full state of non-reactiveness and an asshole. Both of them have non-reactiveness. They both value their own opinion more than the common man. But the “assholes” are still attached to other people’s opinions enough to let it affect their actions. He/she efforts to prove that he doesn’t care; he proves his boldness with “I don’t give a shit!” attitude. It looks like he doesn’t care, he looks bold yet when at home, or when heavily tested he falters. The jerk barges his opinions in hopes of receiving validation or security. The “enlightened asshole”, or enlightened being has a true sense of self expression accompanied with an authentic “take it or leave it” mentality. You can try to pull them down, you can try to pick them up with your opinions, but their actions, thoughts and opinions are not made to impress you. They come from their own values and character.

This non-reactiveness in itself makes them more attractive. Full non-reactiveness makes them trustworthier. You’re not going to find them kissing your ass, but you also won’t find them striving to say whatever they can to impress you. All of our heroes have a sense of this boldness. They express what few are willing to say, and through their boldness they arouse vivid responses. Heroes express what you feel you’ve always wanted to say. And they don’t just say it when the times are safe for it to be heard. Their non-reactiveness naturally polarizes people’s responses to them. You no longer will be an unseen face in the crowd.

Authentic non-reactiveness reverses the neediness that rejects the opposite sex, while pulling out the aspects that actually make you who you are. This is also why pickup lines become popular but rarely work… The first person that made it popular likely said it and made it work… “You look like someone I’d like to have in my bed tonight…” Onlookers can’t believe he said it to her and it went well? Then the average person attempts to use the same line. Yet his body, his presence, and the way he walks, the way he responds, and how he looks at her (or doesn’t) all shows that he doesn’t believe what he’s saying. It all feels needy and contrived. Then the line turns into simply that. A line… When the originator embodied it with genuine non-reactivness. He says it without it needing to “work”. Whether she rejects him or accepts him, he’s still going to be who he is. He is non-reactive and purely expressive. To him it’s not even a line. It’s just his truth.

So how do you begin applying the “enlightened asshole” lesson to life? You start by developing self-resolutions. Pick the subjects and skillsets you feel passionate about. What do you believe is beautiful, exciting, and worth exploring that others might not? What do you want your social interactions to stand for? In areas where you’re proficient and resolute, ask if you express them outwardly as you do inwardly. Ask yourself who you belittle the emotion of your passions around? Then ask yourself why. Do you express your social beliefs just in words, or in the entire way you live? Begin asking yourself for your authentic opinion more often than trying to match it to others.  Uncover where you downplay your resolutions in hopes of keeping things “nice” (often stagnant). If that’s a common habit, embrace non-reactiveness and step into your life as an “enlightened asshole”. Where your words don’t harass the voices of others, but your own voice is definitely heard amongst the crowd regardless of whether it’s singing the same tune. Our lives hold value, let’s live like we believe that.

I appreciate people that strive to improve their lives. Feel open to email me at if you want more in depth steps, or if you have questions.


~Ander Adams


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